There is no apology necessary Mark. "Backwards" IS recovery Forward. Progress in recovery is going backwards to find where we left ourselves hurt, abused, rejected and afraid. We discover us then. If, for example, we were abused when we were 6 years old, then that part of ourselves, the six year old would be frozen there, terrified, shocked. He is still in us. Fast forward to today, and a situation trigger comes up that accesses our six year old abused self. How do we react? As a terrified, abused, shocked six year old, of course. We yell, scream, throw things, flail our arms, bang our heads, punch walls and run away. We hide, isolate, tremble, feelings of unfairness and uncertainty overwhelm us, there is no consolation. Anger is amplified fear. If a survivor is accessing overwhelming anger, then he is very close to the fear. It gets stronger as we get closer to it. Until, yes.., until that sweet release, when we feel just the fear, and learn to love the little boy that is shivering in the recesses of our hearts and minds. What would we do if we found a six year old boy alone and crying in a mall? We would ask him what he knows, kneel in front of him, look him in the eye and really listen, then we would take him to the information desk or security and make sure he is well taken care of. We would take a break from him, then go back and check up on him. His guardian has found him, they embrace, his face cleaned, his nose blown, he gladly takes the hand of his protector. They walk away, into the sunlight.., safe, confident.
You are his guardian.