Thanks Robert--it's not money that is keeping me from therapy. It is this feeling like why should I be in therapy if he isn't willing to go. It pisses me off. But as HD said above, I should be a positive example.
Today he told me he's good at pushing things down deep inside. I told him he isn't because it's very obvious to me and all our friends and family that he is a different person these days. So he said, "Not a lot of people would still have the guts to face life that have walked in my shoes." I get that his life has been difficult, but he's basically saying he is living and getting by. Well our marriage suffers because of everything. I don't want to just "get by." I want the person I married back. I don't want "good enough." I want all the good things I deserve. I don't want to have to wait around for an undetermined amount of time because he may or may not get well.
I struggle between throwing the towel in and just starting MY life over and being the type of person that will wait because they're promised that the husband will get better. When is enough enough? How does one determine if it is worth it to stay or better to go? I mean I love him and I want it to work, but am I just holding on to what things used to be in hopes they will be that way again? I read a quote, "what screws us up most in life is the image in our head of how things are supposed to be." So true.