I don't think you're rambling. I think you're getting all of your thoughts out. It might help you to look over other posts and read what's happening with other people and how they're handling things. CdnDW has been through some really tough issues. She's a smart and resilient woman, who is also -- like all of us -- both clear-eyed and emotional. You can look at the stuff from northernflicker, who's also just a cool, good person who found herself in a fucked up position thanks to a former partner who's wrapped up with all kinds of bullshit behavior related to his CSA.
By the way, I appreciate the way you laid out your conflicting impulses/thoughts up above. I think my wife had the same kinds of conflicting thoughts with me. She probably still does. One of the best things she has ever done was to demand that I step up, take responsibility for myself and move on from the abuse and abuse-inspired dysfunction. My life is WAY BETTER when I'm not dodging responsibility, when I'm not feeling like my web of lies is about to fall apart, when I can honestly and truly look at the love of my life with no secrets rattling around in my own head/heart.
And believe me, if things can get better for me, things can get better for anybody.
P.S. I hope you take everything I say when it comes to advice with a grain of salt. I don't want to seem too pushy, but I also don't want to hold back on my honest opinions and thoughts.