Thank you CdnDW, for answering my post. Thank you for your words of support.
I wish I could get him to understand that. And I know in time he may...or he may not ever truly understand why I can't handle all of this right now.
He wants intimacy, he wants affection. And while I am an affectionate woman and want to show him love and affection I am so scared that this will only perpetuate the cycle. (He acts out, I catch him, huge blow up ensues, I'm hurt, he's hurt, and then we "make up" and everything is roses again.. for a while.)
I don't want to encourage him in thinking that its ok to just smooth all this over with a little hanky panky, and then end up not addressing any of these issues at all.
Its all so confusing. And you are right.. I need time. I need time to sort out my thoughts, my feelings, and do whats right for me. Just as he needs to do, and I keep telling him this.
Somedays I think he actually believes it. Others not so much. He doesn't seem to understand that this is just the beginning. Its going to take a lot of time and healing and help before he is in any position to be worrying about a relationship on top of that. Especially one like ours already so thick with hurt and despair.
Thank you again for your kind words. It makes a huge difference knowing I can talk to someone who might be able to give me some insight.