Hi Providence

There are so many similarities between our stories. Reading your story made me see more clearly what is going on in my own situation. So..thanks so much for sharing. I have always led a double life - good wholesome christian boy/man/husband and dirty sexual deviant. It never ceases to amaze me how the two polar opposites can both equally dwell inside my being.

I think the idea of the "chase" for us has a lot to do with power. On a subconscious level we feel a sense of power because we can 'make' them desire us sexually...because we ARE so sexally desirable. As a child we had no power over the situation but this time we are in charge - we can call the shots.

As for actually having sex with these men, underneath it all (for me) it is all about self loathing. I feel like I have no worth other than a sexual play thing. Afterwards there is always a huge feeling of regret. It has definitely became addictive to me. Sexual addiction is SO REAL. I totally understand the compulsion that drives you - it is SO powerful. The high can be so numbing...but it only numbs the pain so long before we are reminded of reality. These encounters ARE NOT REALITY - they are fake. Your committed relationship with the woman in your life is a REALITY. We need to choose to live in reality and not live in this fantasy world.

I am married with kids and believe me if you feel bad about it now it will only get worse if/when you get married. You need to try to deal with this before you think about marriage. It will not make it go away. If you push it down and don't deal with it - it will only come back with avengance.

Be STRONG!!! Healing Happens!
More than meets the eye!