Hi, my, fraternal brothers.
Yep, we sure know all about those steps forward as hard as they come. We also know all to well about those steps backwards.
If you are like me I'll spend way too much time dwelling on those backwards ones, Why?
Mark,You have been here in MS longer than I have. We have shared our hurts & fears together. We have shared our secrets together.
Most importantly we have offered each other our compassion, understanding & hope for one another.
Wish I never started this whole thing.
Way back in August of '08, I felt the same way about all of this. I was 69 1/2 years old when it all came together. I was headed for an emotional & mental breakdown. I was in deep confusion with my various emotions, hating one abuser, wishing she was dead. Then on the other abuser I fell in love with him genuine love that would keep him a huge part of my adult life. I needed help and fast. Sitting in the dark where no one could see me trembling, tearing up, nose dripping, etc. I told myself why couldn't I have carried all this stuff to my grave? Why now so late in life?
Well, my brother Mark, like you I've been in therapy for a few years. But most of all I've been to four WoR"s weekends that would be emotionally, mentally & physically exhausting. Once again telling my deepest secrets to a group of "strangers." A senior citizen amongst his younger peers. At each one of those WoR's & from every post that I have made here, I have come to learn more about myself in these past four years that I ever knew in my previous 69 1/2 years on earth. Now I know most of the why's on how I have lead the life that I have. My attitude towards females. My lack of respect for authority. My mistrust of others. My real sexuality, to name a few.
On my first WoR, at Dahlonega, Georgia in '09. I had received my inner child back. Little/young Pete, I was elated to have him back. I was in the infinity of the heavens, that's how high I was emotionally & mentally. Little by little young Pete was reminding me of some things long forgotten, things that would come home to roost less than a year later, when I got myself way too overwhelmed, way too deep inside of myself. Conflicting feelings, wild swinging emotions, etc. I was in deep clinical depression. I was ready to make the ultimate solution in ending my pain, guilt, shame & love. I was standing at the gates of hell, ready to take that final step across that line.
A voice came into my conscious mind, big Pete make the most important telephone call of your life now. I did, I got help, I was locked up for my own protection.
While there, that young Pete came back to me, telling me that I ought to be ashamed of myself because I thought that we were too old to deal with this. It hurts too much. It's taking it's toll on us emotionally, mentally & physically. Ready to take the ultimate solution in ending it. He reminded the big Pete that he (young Pete) had SURVIVED with his SECRETS for 69 1/2 years. And, YOU big Pete thought it was too tough to deal with for one year. My (young Pete's) 69 1/2 years to your one full year in therapy. I'm ashamed of you.
I am glad that this all came to the surface during my lifetime for one reason. I didn't know ME until now. Is it worth it? You bet. Has it been easy? No way. Will I have my doubts about becoming that SURVIVOR? You bet. Will I doubt myself on certain beliefs that I have held on to for all of my adult life? You bet.
So far for me, my brothers, it has been worth every flashback, every dream, every hurt, every feeling of guilt, shame, deep depression & worthlessness. Every emotional & mental feelings good or bad.
I had promised that young Pete, back in '09 in Dahlonega, Georgia, when I held on to him for dear life, hugging & kissing him, telling him that i love him, I'm never going to let you go. Yep, through it all I'm damn glad that I DIDN'T take it to my grave, as I would have lived a life not knowing about the real me. That courageous young boy who already had learned what he had to do to survive things that he could neither comprehend nor understand. We sure do now.
My brothers here, I offer the only thing that, that young boy/man named Pete possess, that's his compassion, understanding hope & love for his brothers here in MS.
My brother Mark, please never give up hope, never. This will pass, you will become stronger. you will become a SURVIVOR.
I hope that this long winded reply is of help and encouragement.
Wishing you all well in healing.
"I will take that lost boys hand & I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.