Your story sounds a lot like mine. You're not alone.

Like Gary said, keep posting. Until you get yourself into therapy, posting here is a great step in the right direction.

Are you a student or grad student in Prov, by any chance? If so, there might be some good resources for you to get started on seeing a therapist.

Send me a private message if you want to talk more.

But he grew old, this knight so bold / And upon his heart a shadow / Fell as he found / No spot on the ground / That looked like El Dorado.