Hi and welcome!

What great courage for coming online and sharing part of your story.

I was struck by your words that you didn't know what was worse, the abuse or the way others reacted when you told them about the abuse. I agree with you, that even if there was minimal power differential in age or experience, it was rape because it was manipulative, coerced, and secrecy was demanded. And not being believed or being blamed for it happening to you -- that is its own trauma as well.

It sounds like you're taking great steps to address your various traumas. Congratulations! And hang in there! It's a tough journey, but you don't have to do it all on your own anymore.

Thanks for sharing your story. It helps give me confidence about my story, especially those aspects of my story that got dismissed, disbelieved and the reactions by some dim witted folks that suggested I was making too big a deal over stuff that was in the past.

It was real, as was yours. It was traumatic, as was yours. But neither you nor I have to suffer alone or try to drown it out with the alcohol. Keep on doing whatever is necessary for your healing (which is the best piece of advice I got from a good friend as I began 3 years ago to face the sexual abuse that was perpetrated on me).

And I agree with Gary. It wasn't your fault. And I hope many others here will continue to remind you of that.