Anamolous, I appreciate all the info. You have been a huge help in this journey that I am just now starting.
Gary, Thank you for the kind words, it means a lot to hear this right now. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that it is not my fault, and I did not want that, but like you said...it makes me feel better to hear it, but I do not know when I will start to believe it. This is all so strange and alien to me, I am used to living with this secret. I do not know what is harder...the fact that I was abused for the better part of my life, or the fact that people know about it now.
Jim, thank you for the welcoming, this site has really been a tremendous help to me and I have only been on here for two days. I like the idea of face to face, but I still have not even said it out loud to myself yet. It is easier for me to type something and close my eyes and hit send then it is for me to say it. I do not know if it will be different when I say it out loud or not?
I just have soooo many different thoughts and feelings, and I still do not know how to deal with them. I feel like I am riding an emotional roller coaster right now. Sometimes I am just mad at everything. Others, I cry all the way to work. Which is a 45 minute drive. Again, thank you!
Jean-Pierre, I am not one to judge on spelling ha! Though I do have to say, for being a french speaking gent, you do speak english well. I wish I could be bilingual. Back to the hard stuff, that is probably my worst fear. People thinking that I will abuse someone else. I have been waking up from nightmares that are of my wife taking my two daughters away from me. I could not bare the thought of that. It kills me to even think about it. If for one second I thought I was at risk to do something like that, I would eliminate myself from the equation so quickly because I could not handle knowing that my beatuiful little girls, who are litterally my everything, would go through what I am now. This may sound crazy, but if I think about the abuse, I think boy. Not girl. I would never abuse anyone, especially my own children. I dont know. This has just really discouraged me.I do not know if I will tell anyone else in my family because of it. Which is probably not good because I heard that the more you talk about it, the better you feel. Who knows, but thank you for your kind words and I appreciate everyone on here. I hope that one day I can be the one giving advice. For now, I will be taking my baby steps in the tidal wave of emotion and pain. Maybe I will find my surf board and learn to ride the wave instead of drown in it. Take care!