Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

The fact your body responded does NOT mean you "enjoyed" what was being done to you. The body is designed to respond to stimulation, whether or not that stimulation is desired. The body does not make a judgement about whether or not the stimulation is wanted, that determination is made by our brains. The fact your body responded means that your body was functioning as it was designed to do.

Whether or not you told that friend to stop is also not an indicator that you wanted him to do the things he did. You may have been paralyzed with fear or shock that he was doing those things to you. Not having said "no" is neither a sign of weakness nor shame.

And, yes, it is possible for one to derive physical pleasure even though they do not want the abuse. It is not uncommon for rape victims, male or female, to orgasm. But this does not mean that one wanted to be raped.

As for being foggy on the details, that is very common. During times of stress people can sometimes dissociate. The dissociation can be mild and things seem "dream like" or you can "go away" completely and have absolutely no conscious memory of the events.

I want you to look at something you said to your wife:


No man wants to admit that he had to do things that like to another man. Then I had to tell her that I did nothing to stop it. I didnt tell. I didnt tell him to stop. I just shut up and took it.

The fact that he was older than you also meant he was bigger and stronger than you were. He purposefully chose someone he could overpower, physically and emotionally, to meet his needs. He didn't give any consideration to your needs or what his actions were doing to you, physically or emotionally.

You are putting the responsibility for what happened to you on yourself, instead of on the person who sexually abused you.

The responsibility and the shame belong to one person, and to one person only - that "friend."

You may have never planned to tell your wife or anyone about this, but as bad as it feels right now, it is healthier that you are talking about it. That constant pain you are experiencing is your mind's way of telling you that it is time to start dealing with this. Talking about this is not easy, but it will help you heal.

If you feel therapy is an option, there are resources available. For help in finding a therapist please read the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping. Psychology Today has listings of therapists for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents. Some offer support groups in addition to individual therapy.

There are several books you might find useful.

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew

I am certain others will share titles they have found useful. You can find these titles, and others here at the bookstore.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in January.

Again, welcome to MS.

Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.