The tone with which he said something about dying as he left yesterday made me uneasy today so I texted him, saying I need to know that he's OK today. I'm living, he replied, and said he'd be OK.
I reminded him that I have forgiven him and that my pain today is a result of my choices. I need to make different ones. I also asked him to know that he is a good man with a big heart. He didn't reply to either of these.
I wanted to believe that the relationship with the whore at work was superficial, but since he confided in her and continues to see her today I can no longer believe that is the case. He says he doesn't know where it's going...after a year? Whatever. I and our marriage and our life together were not worth facing his pain for.
He did say he felt really good after telling me about his abuse. Then yesterday's disaster happened. But what does he expect? That after he confides in me, spends a wonderful day fishing with me, I will be OK with the separation and my pain will cease to be? Maybe he's just fully and completely self absorbed. I'm complicit in this too, though, because I let him come see me and spend time.
I am a fool. I should just pack it in. I implored him to tell me to let go, to tell me he doesn't love me. He said I need to let go but he refused to say he doesn't love me, even though I said it would set me free.
The kicker in this is that his holy place, so to speak, is in the boat fishing. He mostly does it alone, but sometimes brings people. It kills me that we can spend a day on the boat, that he respects me, values my opinion, but refuses to be married to me. It makes no sense. He believes that as long as his daughter and I are friends, he will be in my life. Not so, as she is an adult. He also said, strangely, that when I die he might not go to the funeral but he will be sad about it.
He has the boat only because my name is on the loan as co-borrower. I pull my support for the loan and he loses the boat. Most people say I should have pulled my financial support months ago. Maybe they're right. I know I am not responsible for him and all that, but to kick a man when he's down that way is not an easy thing for me. That said, I cannot back a loan for a man who is hell bent on divorcing me.
I don't know how to be now. I told him that maybe I'm hanging on because I don't want to get the the place where I feel nothing for him. I don't want him to land on my doorstep when it's too late. But I dont' even know that this will happen. The odds are certainly against it.
I feel like I'm abandoning him by giving up, like I'm abandoning all I ever wanted in life...marriage, closeness, a sense of home. But then I feel like he stole all that from me. I thought I had found those things but now doubt I ever will. I feel like a complete and total fool. None of this was real. I just wanted it to be.
What I have written smacks of simply moaning about the loss of my marriage. I need to remember that it is about the effect of CSA victim behaviour on a spouse. The pain is unbelievable right now.