So fishing was fantastic. I caught three to my husband's ten or twelve. We kept two pike in the boat and two bass. We saw lots of loons, a pair of swans, an otter or muskrat or other rodent type creature and a great blue heron resting on rocks. An absolutely beautiful day.

After he cleaned the fish at my house he wanted to go straight to the basement to see what was left of his belongings. Having spent ten awesome hours together at this point, mostly in the boat, I couldn't help but choke up so I just went upstairs to his "are you ok?" and proceeded to pack away his grandmother's tea cups. I thought, you want the rest of your shit after spending a wonderful day with me? Fine. Let me help you. I was done.

Needless to say the day ended horribly with lots of pent up emotion expressed on my side and lots of avoidance on his. Once again, he left and came back, but this time partly to get his bass and partly to say that the truth hurts and he has a hard time looking at himself and his actions.

The kicker for me is that he told whore at work about his abuse before he told me. That cut like a knife and I said as much, for good or for ill. He accused me of implying that his healing process is bullshit. I said it wasn't fair to say that, that my feelings are valid too. He doesn't need or want me for support; he has the whore.

I guess today I was done with subjugating my hurt and pain to his and kind of let loose. He says, all contrite, that he'll never come back to spend time with me or go fishing with me again because he hates that it hurts me and he doesn't want to see me cry. This despite the fact that he said he felt good about opening up to me about his abuse. The latent message to me is that if I express my feelings then the person walks out. Not a good message but one I was brought up with. I pointed this message out to him.

He doesn't seem to understand that what hurts is his choice to continue down the path of separation and divorce even though he could have reversed the course at any time. Instead he waxes remorseful about how he fucked up blah blah blah. He could fix this but he chooses not to. And at the same time he refuses to say he doesn't love me. He won't do it. Instead says "I don't know what love is". I told him I don't know what's real and what's fake anymore.

What a fucking mess. I don't think I'll be sending that beautiful letter to him. I'm shattered.