Thanks for replying!
I have been thinking about the why too.
I guess that my points 1. trying to make other men admire me, 2. thinking that I have worth because others think I'm attractive and 6. I have been trying to please everyone else ....are all related. I can see that they are all just me trying to feel loved and accepted. Something I never felt growing up. What my abuse taught me was that I had to 'Do' something for someone for them to accept me. No one will love me just for being me. I have to earn their love.
This has messed with my idea of God too and I am finally starting to understand grace.
Thanks for pushing me in this direction Country! I always value your input.
More than meets the eye!