It is over 15 years from my last rape . That alien thing started when I was about 10, so it has lasted over 30 years. My abuse was rough and lasted years. My first rapist gave me amphetamine, maybe it burned those memories heavily in my brain. I have two kinds of flashbacks. First one is more in my head, another is like bodily flashback, it is lot heavier. As youngster I used to hit my head into wall to end it, it helped for awhile. Many times I planned to cut my stomach open to get it out there, luckily I didn’t .
That arousal thing is heavy, of course I get aroused. It is really difficult to live ”ordinary” life when your body is telling that someone is f…king you in the middle of mall. It is somehow disturbing. Despite all, boring daily routines have kept me alive. For instance, taking dog out couple of times, gives you lot more than fresh air.