It's not my own experience, but my wife over the last few months as she has begun dealing with her CSA has had some things initially surface in her dreams, only to have fuller memories matching the dreams surface.

I have had dreams about being molested by my uncle and grandfather. If the memories come to match, I'll let you know. Though I don't have the memories to match, I have many reasons to think that it happened.

My mother in many ways sounds like yours. I don't remember being tortured as you were, but have always felt like a torture victim. After my son was born I started having these sorts of waking nightmares, somewhat like compulsive daydreams, in which I imagined her horribly hurting or killing my baby son. It can't be for no reason. I expect that I will eventually remember things like you've described.

I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that. Just one month ago I officially cut not only my mother but all of my other relatives out of my life. I will not have any contact with them or allow them near my children and plan to never look back.

Just wanted to offer my sympathy and support.

All the best,