Thank you Julia. My husband would whisper in my ear "don't ever leave me." I said I wouldn't, and I didn't, and up to now I haven't. But more and more lately, even or especially with what i know now, I'm thinking what's the point? But if I do shut and lock the door it simply confirms his f'ed up view of things.
The end of our relationship was like suicide by cop - he set me up to throw him out by cheating, something he knew I would never tolerate. For a few weeks he kept coming back until I challenged him to tell the truth, and that was it. His reasons for cheating and leaving at the time seemed ridiculous - didn't feel like my protector, didn't feel like a man with me, I would never change (what I don't know), among others - but now it appears he was talking about himself not me.
My husband outright refused to work on our marriage, and without knowledge of his CSA or any other discontent I had absolutely zero chance as his wife. I'm kind of pissed off about that, while at the same time sensitive to his pain. I'm not sure what to do with that. I married in good faith and feel duped. Our marriage failed for no other reason than he wanted it to.
And at the same time I want to protect him. He literally walked out of the lives of some of his closest friends and family who adored him and in a year hasn't looked back. It's bizarre that he can chop off like a cancerous limb the guy he fished with almost every weekend for five years. Just gone. Like a death. They all think my husband took me for granted. They have NO IDEA what is at he root of this. I've taken the high road since our split, fortunately as it turns out.
Thank you all. As usual very helpful and supportive. It means the world to me.