I have some things banging around in my head that I need to get out. I know some of these will be resolved when I get back into therapy, but right now, they are going round and round in my head and almost obsessively. Some are self-centered, some are coming from a place of self-pity. Please don't judge me... I just need a place to vent without censor.
1. Will I be able to accept that my H will never be free from his abuse. I believe the words.of survivors here that recovery will bring vast improvments, but there may be some fundamental things that are now hard wired into my H's personality that might never change. I can accept these things for myself, but for our children, this is much, much harder. They are more important to me than anything or anyone else by billions of miles. Will he ever be able to be the kind of father that is connected and responsive to their emotions? Not the big explosive emotions that he can't ignore, but the subtle changes that tell me when they are struggling with school, feeling lonely or hesitant about something. Will he ever be nurturing? Will he ever be able to listen to his instinct about their emotional well being ? And more importantly, if the answer is no, will I be able to accept this when I believe they deserve that in a father? Will he ever become brave. He is a big, strong man that does not come across as wimpy, but I have seen how he shrinks from serious confrontation. He does not stand up and fight for himself and he doesn't stand up and fight for us either. His instinct is to turn and hide, and he often wants me to as well. He is complicit to the point that if I had not tthe courage to take a stand, alone, our son would never have received the school support that he needs (he has Asperger Syndrome).
2. Will I ever be able to let this seething hatred for his abusers go. It consumes me and eats me from the outside in. I want to confront them, scream at them, scream it our to every person we know. And have them experience the pain thay all of us feel
3. Will I ever stop feeling like "WHY HIM, WHY US.... AND WHY ME!". I have these thoughts amd know they are completely unproductive, but I just feel like taking a hissy fit temper tantrum all the time for everything that has been thrown on my plate in life without my doing. I have a husband with CSA trauma and all the dysfunction that goes with that, one child with aspergers and tourettes and the other with dyslexia and I have serious and life threatening auto immune blood disorder. There are many, many days when the exhaustion of dealing with all of these is overwhelming.
4. Will be able to accept that my H may never ben able have a normal sex life with me. I may never again experience certain pleasures because they trigger my H. Can I live with only being his best friend?
5. Will I ever be able to stop thinking about all of these things and feel light and carefree again?
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky