My ears are burning. Is someone talking about me?
Bill, the symptoms you described seem much like my own. I came into recovery in 2004 at 28 years old thinking that i was not abused because I had no memory of abuse, but I was exhibiting symptoms that I thought might be related to abuse.
I have come to terms with the understanding that I was abused between 5 and 7 by a white-haired man, but I have no memory of it occurring. As you read the Male Survivor forum (or do a keyword search for 'masochism'), you might see some things that make you think that you're not alone. Because you're not.
It's no fun being what we are, needing to be in a place like this, but because we need it, this is a great place to be. I can't understate the value of Male Survivor in my recovery process.
But he grew old, this knight so bold / And upon his heart a shadow / Fell as he found / No spot on the ground / That looked like El Dorado.