Thanks, CdnDW, I feel your pain. I think your husband has yet to even come close to reaching the point where he'll dig deep into the real issues. It sounds like he suffered a mountain of pain. I can sure as hell identify with growing up around a 50-year-old neighborhood guy who sits around in his underwear, watching porn with the middle-schoolers. If I could go back to that guy, I might kill him. But what you're talking about is true porn addiction. The fucked up thing is that your husband sounds like he probably meant and fully intended to "keep his sexual urges" in check. He probably thought he could kill or suppress the desire. What he needs to do is understand that it's not desire at all. It's something else. It's an escape. He won't understand that until he truly understands and confronts what he's trying to escape from, what makes him feel unsafe.

You know, as a funny aside, I tried an anti-anxiety med a few years ago for the first time. It's addictive, so I don't use it anymore and never used it much. And... it was amazingly effective. But here's the funny part. When I used it, I told my therapist that it's also an appetite suppressant. I didn't feel hungry at all. She laughed, because it's not an appetite suppressant at all, but my reaction is a common one, common among some men and women, anyway! Some people mistakenly think that the sensation of anxiety is the feeling of being hungry! And so they eat to quiet the anxiety! And we keep stuffing ourselves long after we're full, because we're still anxious!

Anyway, my point is that people develop fucked up ideas about what feelings are what. I hope your husband can figure out a way to get his head out of his ass and deal with the life he has.

Good luck to you. Thanks for sharing. Thanks for being so frank and honest. I can't tell you how much it helps me to see the world from the partner/spouse point of view.