No offense... Very, very thick skin at this stage of the game. I will suggest your posts to him - but so far as he has told me, he has not yet come to this site.
Porn use itself is not the problem. We used to use it together. I remember when we were dating 13 years ago him finding out I liked to mix it up sometimes and then revealing a HUGE stash of vids he had hidden in his place. Still not red flags for me. As time went on though, our intimacy dwindled (not by my desire at all) and his porn use became addictive. Got to tbe point where he could only get off if we had sex while watching porn. Our sex life became very impersonal. He was never much for foreplay or kissing, but it got so that he only wanted to do it with me facing away from him. There was no holding each other or eye contact. Then got to the point where he was using it to masterbate multiple times a day, but then he was unwilling and unable to be intimate with me at all. He also took more and more risks. Came home mid afternoon to get in a whack (he worked in outside sales) and would hide every moment he could in his basement office viewing and whacking to porn even when he was the only adult at home with the kids. Thank god they never walked in on him!! Anyway, "addiction" was his word for it. I just wanted intimacy back and didn't mind a little porn use, but whenever he could kot control it. We'd go on vacation where he had no access to the internet and would finally make love. I'd think it was because we had made a connection with each other, sex would cease completely. I actually became jealous of his porn (which I still think is silly), but I began to feel like it was "the other woman". All this time he was using, he would go through bouts of honesty about it coupled with long period of complete denial even though I was much more skilled with the computer amd could prove his lies!
So, when we started couples therapy (it was the closest I could get him to a therapist), he would not talk about the problem or his pas at all, but only the symptomatic behaviour. He promised to give it up completely to save our marriage and has kept me under the assumption that he has done this for the past 16 months.
So this porn use is an addictive behaviour that ties back to his abuse. At least one of his abusers was the 50 something neighbourhood arena skate sharpener who would invite boys from the rink to come to his place and watch porn with him. Don't know if there was contact here, but throughout the same time period he was being sexually abused by an older brother who was violent and cruel with him as well. He kept up the appearances of being this great young hockey star, but was living with a few years of violent abuse at this point. His brother hated him, was extremely jealous and has a psychopathic temper. In his speech at our wedding (i had no knowledge of the csa and my H had him in our wedding party) he told this terrible, humiliating about my H getting so profoundly loaded on homemade wine at 13 yo, that he was found passed out in his pyjamas, in the middle of the street by a stranger and subsequently spent the next 24 hours in hospital. I was livid at the time about this supposedly "funny" razing story, but my husband laughed ot off as just stupid shit his.brother says. But I wont go further or I will loose focus. There are some days I just want to hunt down his brother who has never been held accountable or even confronted for his abuse.of my H and his younger brother, but I know it is not my fight and I would hurt my H.
In any event, whatever might get me off sometimes, I don't think is at all healthy for him. Tis is why it is such a huge, end game point for me.
I have not given up on him, but he is out of my bed and there are some pretty big walls of emotional protection up right now. If he chooses to FINALLY start therapy, I am confident I can soften these actions because I will feel like we are moving forward (even of slow), but right now he has committed to nothing. He says he.loves me more than life itself and says he.wants to save our marriage, but hasn't yet started to fight. I know it's hard as hell, but it is the only direction because he is sitting square on rock bottom right now.
Again, thanks Bob for your insight. In absence of him being willing to talk, it is such a relief to hear some of the shit that.might be rolling around in his head.
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky