Wow, Thebo. I'm glad you're talking to your therapist. I hope you're making good choices. Hell, anyone can enjoy a few drinks, and everyone needs to sleep, but a) don't put yourself in a position where you can hurt yourself and b) don't put yourself in a situation where your judgment is compromised and you might make shitty decisions.

Art therapy seems like a great avenue for you professionally, but maybe it would be better to take on the art side and do the art therapy yourself and for yourself, at least until shit doesn't trigger you and where you don't feel endangered. Of course, you might always feel endangered by a job where you might be called on to physically subdue someone... but hell it would be great if you could pursue something that you're passionate about.

As an example, I'm a journalist. I got into journalism because I was conflicted about the idea of truth. I thought I was a lying sack of shit, or at least a compulsive liar, but I love and have always admired truth-tellers. So I found myself attracted to journalism because of its clarity. For instance, when I was a police reporter, I'd write about where a fatal car accident took place, who died, how fast the car had been traveling, what the road was like, who the deceased was, and on and on. And as time went on and I finally faced the truth about my past abuse and the duplicity, secrecy and shame of my adult life, I found that the process of writing has really helped me.

But I'm not interested in having anything to do with writing, in a straightforward non-anonymous way, about sexual abuse or anything. For instance, I only PM (and that almost never) with male survivors. Just the other day, a troubled spouse of a survivor PM'd me with a nice note about how one of my posts had helped her. Part of my sickness is that I immediately find myself attracted to the idea of gaming out a scenario where I pair off with her and fuck her in some illicit affair! So I told her, not rudely, to back off! That kind of crap (that PM from her and my reaction to it) turns this excellent and healing environment into just another place where I could lead a double life of shame and sleaze! Believe me, there's a little voice in my head that's like, What the hell! Don't send that blow-off email! Send a smooth reply! Be the good guy! Let her lean on your shoulder!

But I know better than that. I know that I need to put my energy on myself, on my family, on my wife and kids, on healing, on honesty, on the here-and-now.

And so I urge you not to worry overmuch about this job not working out. It's not a sign or signal of anything except your good judgment. You took a good long look and understood that it could be trouble for you. And you walked away. Good job. Keep looking. Keep searching. Keep seeking. And always remember that serendipity is a powerful force. If you keep your mind open and your eyes open... if you keep healing and moving forward... you will find a place that fits for you, a place where you can earn a decent living and carry on the life you want to lead. I know it can work. Good luck. My prayers go with you.


Edited by Robert1000 (09/05/12 02:32 PM)