I appreciate the support and feedback. You seem to have gained a lot of wisdom on your road to recovery.
Yes, I suppose you are correct about fake. It is a coping mechanism. I exhibit some of what you describe above and more.
Itís just puzzling sometimes the why of things. Why do I sabotage my relationships with woman? I feel better having anonymous sex or affairs, than being committed and intimate with my partners. Present one included. I seem to have severe intimacy issue mask with multiple forms of sabotage. But then I want to appear like the upstanding guy.
I think even though itís not always on the fore front of my brain I twisted the sexual abuse with my mom. It freaks me out. Especially the parts when I think back and was seeking it out or was sexually excited. I think this is a core issue of mine and the undertow of effect causes (unbeknownst to me) the ability to have a functional relationship where Iím committed. I know every relationship has issues, but itís damn frustrating that I manufacture a lot of these issues. I become cold distant and robotic only to complain about her being distant and angry. Itís sick.
I have a hard time after a short while in a relationship to initiate sex or intimacy. But show me porn, massage house and an eager affair partner and Iím in. Iím so shameful about these things, I brush over them and squash it down so I donít have to deal with it. I even have preached how cheating and doing all the self destructive things I do are so WRONG. How do you spell duplicity and two-faced.
What worries me is that I have motivation right now, but I feel the other shoe can drop and Iím back to self justifying and completing ruining the tattered relationship Iím in now (due too an affair)
Even if the root of my issues are childhood sexual abuse by my mom who lacks the capcity and decency to admit and apologize. I now in my own creative (non-sexual abuser) ways have caused wakes of destruction in my path, only to be like shampoo instructions ďREPEATĒ.
One last thing. Why is it so hard to be honest. Big lies white lies. Iím really working on this as of about 5 days ago. But I struggle. I want to be a honest person. Sh*t this is all so messed up.