Wow, it sounds like you know the direction in which you want to go. My own realization that my abusers were really f'ed in the head has taken a lot of the feelings of guilt(my own participation) and put the onus back on them. I had no control of those situations, but I do have choices now. I can choose whether to act out or not. I can chose whether to heal or not. I can choose to do something about my addictions or not. To do nothing is to change nothing. I needed changing and that is what I started three years ago (I am 53 now). I rely on my Higher Power giving me the strength I need to do the things I need to do to stay in a mentally healthy place. It has taken a lot of hard work but every second has been worth it.

Stay strong and keep your focus like a laser on getting better.