As someone without a full awareness of my abuse experience, as my name here suggests, I have deep empathy for your desire to WANT to know more but that's perhaps compounded by the fear of knowing what your subconscious decided was too much for your conscious mind to bear.
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I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.