It is common to seek to re-live the abuse in one form or another, and it is common to feel messed up afterwards.
It's time to find a good therapist in your area to talk about things. I'm starting back with a new therapist after Labor Day.
I see you're new here... Look around, read some posts (but not too many at once), and start replying to some of the other posts in here. It will start to make sense and you'll know you're not alone.
But he grew old, this knight so bold / And upon his heart a shadow / Fell as he found / No spot on the ground / That looked like El Dorado.