This morning I was angry. Seething.
Angry that my husband knew his pattern and married me anyway, knowing he would one day leave
Angry that he says he's gonna change his pattern for a harlot at work but not for the woman he married
Angry that one year after he dropped out of my life he decides to tell me about CSA
Angry that he doesn't appear to want my support
Angry that he didn't trust me when we were together
Angry that I didn't ditch when he checked out in year one
Angry that I always accepted his excuses
Angry that I backed him at every opportunity when I only ever had partial information
Angry that we had a really good life but he dumped it all
Angry that I didn't expect more in my marriage
Angry that I was sucker punched by him leaving...there was no conflict before
Angry that our marriage meant nothing to him
Angry that he didn't feel safe with me while we were together
Angry every time I hear "he's not the man for you. Move on."
Angry that when I see him it's like everything's peachy keen
Angry that he never let me in, that I never knew him
Angry that I still would support him and just want him to come home
Angry that he ditched his marriage for someone whom he says he doesn't know if he loves
Angry that I'm all over the map
I don't even know if I belong on this forum. I'm processing the effects of his behavior that resulted from CSA, but we're separated and rarely see each other. Right now the only one i can support is myself.
I go from compassion and understanding and wanting to reach out one day, to just wanting all his things out of the house and the divorce done the next. Then I feel guilty because I'm abandoning him and feeding right into what he wants to happen, just like I did when I told him, and did t know about CSA, that he couldn't live in our house if he was having an affair. But then I think of how I was manipulated and lied to by omission throughout my marriage. I never had a chance. I feel like it was all a lie.
I wish I had the CSA information before. It is at the core of everything that was wrong in our marriage...his online misogynistic BDSM activities, hiding, omitting, lying, withholding sex, my depression in response, and on and on. All against the backdrop of a really good life. I knew about my depression but only found out the other things after he left. It feels completely unfair that he tell me now, when he's been out of my life for a year. My heart shatters to think that he's not lying, omitting, withholding, etc, for the harlot at work.
Am I his spouse? Am I not? Do i even belong here? Is he working on things to save whatever it is with the harlot at work, like he said he was? Does he love her or not? It's like a kick in the guts with a steel toed boot. I get this info now and my compassion kicks in and I'm sucked back in again because I, like a fool, still love him.