This is just the way I feel and I felt like sharing. I don't usually type too much info when I reply to post because I am usually viewing on my iPhone and these dang keys are super small. I also read most all of the post on here and in family and friends. Reading alot of post on family an friends is tough for me because I see the pain I have caused my own wife thru. I see the need for them to heal on here and possibly get survivors input to help understand. I think it is a great tool. I also have healed alot just by reading from others posts and seeing what has worked for them. One thing I have noticed is that survivors come from every background and this is a real and twisted issue. We have been thru some bad things in life but we also came thru it an are here healing. That says alot about our will to be better and make others better thru our experiences. Tee all have our own things that help and mine happens to be God, my wife as hopefully this new therapist I will start seeing Friday. I changed and I hope it will be a better experience. The one thing I have noticed is that my rage is more manageable for me now. I think before I act now. I no longer lash out as my first defense. Although I know this rage came from my abuse as a child and repressed feelings alot of it comes from a car wreck I went thru when I was 16 and lost my girlfriend. I always had a lot of friends and have been blessed to have that in my life. I know I have learned that I usually tried to overdo tasks and over help friends to gain their repect due to my own lack of self worth. I still get depressed at times and still have some control issues. I put my body through a living hell to make people think I was a great athlete to gain respect and admiration from people. I felt like it validated I was normal. I tried to overdo every task. Some of those traits are good but to an extent. Thru recovery and therapy I started second guessing all of my past decisions and I went into brain overload. I was trying to figure out when an what was abusive traits and what were normal traits. I talk to myself alot out loud. I can not stand reading books but I love learning new knowledge and tools. My faith in God is strong and I don't understand how someone can say that there is no God. That is like saying there is no Creator. When you see a building you just know that someone created it. There was a builder and you automatically know this. I feel the same about this Earth and life. When I was in church andfelt the flutter of my heart and tears in my eyes that was God knocking. I feel cheated out of a normal childhood but I can make a positive change now. I feel compassion for others now where as before I had none. I feel grief in my heart that I can't or won't tell my family because I don't want to rip it apart because my uncle sexually abused me. I have forgiven my uncle and my other abuser and I know that they did not know what impact te abuse would hav on my life. They acted out selfishly and made my life hell for their own pleasure. I know that my past can a will make me stronger. It has caused some pain yes and I was a co-conspirator of this damage along with my abusers. I know that life will have its ups and downs but who's life doesn't. Even people who haven't been abused have those issues. They have alot of the issues we have , so I try not to use those issues as a crutch for me to regress. I could lay there and say aww poor poor me but I don't want to. I want to embrace my wife an tell her that she is my rock, that she has a love that is worth fighting for, that she is #1 in my life after God. I want my life to have meaning and I want to leave a mark on this world. I don't want my agony to be in vein. I want so many things. I believed for a long time that I was no good and I was in shame. I noticed one day out in my backyard at my birdfeeder that there were so many different birds there. There were doves, cardinals, woodpeckers and robins. They all were feeding and my point is that even though they were all different birds, they were still feeding together at te same place in peace. Kind of like this site. I think of we keep an open mind and not judge and listen and read the posts that we can learn alot and heal. My abuse made me very physical in relationships and I related touch with sex. My abuse made me rage filled. My abuse made me scared to tell because people may think I was nasty.. My abuse made me very Tender hearted and I needed to be accepted and looked up to do my own well being. My abuse made me have no regard for others issues and I would think to myself " whatever, big deal". But being a survivor and seeing all my issues an what I can overcome has made me stronger too. I can now openly share all my issues with my wife , who is my best friend and it is awesome. I just worry about bringing her down and putting too much on her. I mean I have already caused her such great pain that I feel guilty putting more on her. I no longer have suicidal thoughts. All the tools are here and our recovery is what we make it. I mean come on guys for too long we have stood by and let this world get more and more out of control. It is up to us to get it back right. We have to take responsibility for our homes. We had I be better husbands to our wives and better fathers to our kids as better leaders. We can make a difference. What mark will I leave on this world when God calls me home?? Well I don't know but I can tell you this much, I won't sit by ad let my past rule my future and I will be a better man, husband, and father. I will speak up when I feel something is wrong. Thanks to all the people on here who help and thanks to all te wives who come here looking for answers and tools to help. I just had to get these things off my chest. I hope very one has a blessed day and can be a blessing to someone else.

Edited by Country (08/21/12 10:15 PM)
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her