Last week healing just started and it is on its way, it has not been easy though. Maybe I finally realize what my mother took from me: my sense of confidence and my self esteem.
I did many stupid things in past decades, but the one that bothers me the most has been overeating. I quit smoking 11 years ago, I have been overweight since I was 13 and the signs of abuse came to the surface. When decided to put cigarrattes down my weight was 200 pounds, I could not handle the stress and I gained 50 pounds and I have not been able to lose them at all.
Today I had my weekly therapy session and I discovered that my overeating and losing hair might have been related with me wanting to be ugly and preventing women from getting close to me. I also found out, that at the age of 9-10, I did not want to grow old in order to avoid my sexuality. All this thoughts have been blocked in my brain's X-files. This is very powerful finding as well a painful one.
I know forgeviness is the way to go, the road less travelled. And I am talking about forgiving my self for all the autodestructive behaviors and all the people I have hurt with some of them which include my father, my brother and sisters, my wife and the most valued treasure I have, my 2 kids. It looks like my mother might have been CSA victim herself and I am glad it stops with my generation.
Overeating has been a burden to me, it has been the most painful behavior, I don't know why. It looks that I need to overcome overeating to find peace, at last.