1. "...i like them and i want them and not only sexually. i can just like them.. like how they look, how they smile, how they move, how they act and think... and some times it just happens, i like someone and start wishing i didnt have all this shit in my head and could just be a regular guy...." & 2. "i never ever had anything you could consider "pure" in my life. she has no idea of how.. bad things could go.."
3. these are two types of women. i have to resist the urge to vomit so hard from here.. i dont feel like this when i think about the male part, it's so awkward..."
It is great to see you brother. I do not come here often enough as is seen by the date you wrote you and the date I am replying. I have known you for quite sometime now - 4 years or so.
Anyway, I have quoted only parts of what you wrote on purpose. All of what you wrote, I can relate to. I only quoted the parts for which I will comment on. I do not intend to put words in your mouth so, I want to state I comment from my own experience. I will put numbers next to your statements that I will match with my comments.
1. I too like women. Women unlike men are complimentary to our nature so, it is naturally to like being around them!!! I am trying to be around them more. I have spent too many years away from the company of women and like you I struggle to be around them. I encourage you to be around women as much as you can but, balance your time with healthy men with healthy women.
2. I can relate and encourage you to be ok with not being pure. Our experiences are our experiences. I have thought in the past "I am not nor will ever be "pure" like others...therefore I am bad." I am not sure if this internal dialogue is one for which you experience but, if so I gently say this thought and internal belief is incorrect.
and finally 3. I have vomited after being sexual with my ex-wife. I remember in the past (before I was married) being "sick" when thinking of being women. I have not vomited or thought of vomiting since. I too have not had the urgent to vomit when thinking about men sexually but, this is changing.
Basically, I can relate to you totally. Hope your well.