So about a week ago I went on facebook and looked up John L. Hobbs Jr. He was the man who molested me for about two years. I was 14 and he was 24 and this was in 1981. He talked to me about attraction first. Then he took me off all by myself, just the two of us and told me that he "hoped the walls didn't have ears" because he told me that he was attracted to me. He told me that when I wore the cut off shorts my mother made for me they made him want me. (I really didn't understand what he was talking about but over hushed tones told my brother as we fell asleep that night) He was friends with my parents and they supported the music program at St. John's Episcopal Church in Pascagoula Mississippi most notably by allowing the Organist Choirmaster to stay at their house on the weekends. I played the trumpet and my brother played the French Horn, we were part of a brass quartet John Hobbs started. He gave me very hard solo's to play and then suggested Private Lessons to help me learn the music. He continued to hug me and be friendly, (the kind of thing lonely boys learn is the mark of a predator) until one day he showed me some dirty magazines. They were XXX rated pornography called "Blue Boy". They showed pictures of men undressed with erect penises. Some of the pictures showed actual sexual acts being performed. (I was both embarrased and aroused) I had seen some porn before, my brothers had shown me a sex book of women and men involved in various sex acts, this was also the method my brothers had used in beginning sexual incest with me. I had been taught to fellate an erect penis, it had been me and then him the first time, after that it was not reciprocal. Anyhow...it wasn't long before John began to ask me questions like, "Did I want a blow job?" I said I wouldn't mind having one, but I still remember my heart racing and the fire in my veins just talking about it. When it came down to it, I floated in the air above him for about a minute and began to freak out. I remember being surprised that I didn't enjoy it, when he said it would be so much fun. I felt so ashamed and weird. He smelled and tasted very different from my brothers. I threw up but he didn't get angry at me. I learned how not to, over time, but it took a while. I was so surprised the other day that I still felt some fear when I looked at his picture. I thought all this was all done years ago. This year I turn 45, my brothers and I don't talk anymore, I haven't seen John since I was 18. I called him and confronted him verbally when I was 27, but it really didn't fix much. I did it while in counseling, and the counselor wasn't very good. I Have only just now started with someone who understands incest recovery. I hope that the cartharsis of talking, dragging the secrets into the open, telling on John, telling on my brother, letting the truth be known about the horrific abuse perpetrated opon me by my family, by my siblings, and by other people. I know today that the consequences are far reaching, that I should have gotten better help when I was 25, that I was still suffering from the affects of the abuse at 30 and 40. I know today that none of them ever paid one penny. I, however, have spent thousands of dollars on consequences and therapy. I know now that I may never get to stop doing therapy. I know that the way out of this situation is THROUGH, not BACK. For many years I kept your secrets John, and Pat, and Jay. Today I tell the world, John groomed / coerced me into sex when I was 14. Jay and Pat coerced me into incest when I was between 6 and 8. I was raped in my family home before my 8th birthday. I was hurt in ways both physically and emotionally that I could not have forseen. I still work on recovery from CSA, Incest and Abuse. I am a SURVIVOR. I will not ever be silenced again. I have not talked to my family in several months. I am freaking out as my birthday is two days away and I am afraid they will call or make contact. If they do, my T and I are working on a plan.
Thanks for being here for me.