Thank you all for the support, I made it to AA!!! I realized that I am an Alcoholic and that I have had periods of black outs. I thought black outs were passing out. Understanding the effects of black outs and realizing that I have not been able to remember conversations or my actions with important people in my life has been hard to realize, I do have the self awareness today and will continue to go AA. The self relations of my passed actions has brought the rage inside of me to a higher level. I trying real hard to manage it so I can get the help I need, to be the man or better yet the person below all the hate and rage that I have towards my abusers. I understand my passed actions was just a horrible way of dealing with all the pain that I did not know were it was coming from, I will work on keeping the rage I have towards the abuser and focus on giving myself the love and support I have craved since I was first abused!!! And allow myself to ask for help when I feel I am in a safe place.
Anything and all things are possible when you understand the feelings coming from you heart

Courage, honor, respect = strength!!!!