That is the right path, it is difficult but effective. Survivors often find ways to heal the symptoms of sexual abuse, the coping mechanisms and the acting out before they realize that the real issue is the sexual abuse.

Incestuous relationships with a parental figure, in this case a mother, can leave an abuse victim with sexually stimulated responses and a sense that this was somehow an extension of the bond. She may not have forced you, except through the term "by the color of authority", which implies that as a minor not 10 years old, you had no concept that what she was doing was endangering you and well beyond her role as your protector and nurturer. Her actions in this case, while not rape or physical harm are still very much sexual abuse.

Since this is a recent reveal, you must be spinning as the emotional support of your life is suddenly one of the main reasons for the emotional chaos in your life. You must feel destroyed, but I assure you, that is not the case. You have a strong desire to heal from this, to survive and to have a victory over this trauma.

It is confusing, your reason and understanding conflicting with the memories and emotions, but you will begin to stabilize with further investigation of the abuse and the support you are receiving to heal.

You are welcome here boy_indenial, and I look forward to your recovery healing through your posts and replies,

MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014