It is very hard to write about this, but last Thursday I found out my mother abused me when I was a boy. It has been tough since then and I am still shocked. I have behaved in many self-destructive ways during my entire life, this is why I have visited many therapists in past ten years.
When I was eleven my I started losing my hair and I grew with no body hair at all, being a teen ager in such conditions was really hard and depressing, not to mention that I had lots of trouble with girls. After a lot therapies I found EMDR (www.emdr.com
) which has the only method that has stopped most of my self-desdestructive behaviors (alcohol abuse, anger, rage, exposing myself to very risky situations and a long list of etceteras). Even though I made some progress I felt there was one issue that needed to be treated, but when I tried I couldn't remember what.
This Thursday the memory came finally into light and it is me having sex with my mother (I can not call her mom anymore) and not 1 but many times. This was blocked in my mind for it is very painful and you can imagine what this traumatic events made to the poor little boy I was 35 years ago. Initially I was sexually aroused and even had thoughts of visiting my mother to have some more sex, at first the memory was not bad, as matter of fact it was very pleasant yet the images that came to my mind were not very clear. I still don't remember what was exactly that my mother made me, but during the therapy it was came out another fact: this incest relationship stopped all of the sudden around the time I was 10 and this event might have triggered my alophecia.
I guess this must have been OK for a boy to make the Edipo sindrome come true and I don't remember being forced or not wanting to have sex with my mother. I remember my mother was everything to me and losing that form of her affection was devastating. I know this is wrong, having sex my mother is not Ok and should be the painful memory and the other way around.
Right now I am very confused, but I know I have to work and I also know I am on the right track for finally getting over it.