i am sorry for the title of the post. it seemed most fitting for what i'm thinking.
quite honestly the truth is that i have questioned for my entire life (i'm only 27 but it is still roughly 15 years to know something is off.)
not only my orientation but my gender identity. at one point i managed to somehow decide that i had it under control and when on with life. it was still present in my mind and i was still very seriously unsure what i was.
the problem with all of this is that i met a woman whom i love and have two wonderful kids. these thoughts and obsessions are just plain not wanted. i love my family and i'm not gonna go and try to "explore" this topic. i don't really know how to come to terms with this or even how to answer the questions that plague me.
it is so much that i have fantasized about being a woman for a very long time. iv'e had curiosities about gay sex for as long as iv'e been aware of sex.
i used to even cross dress in private and at one point early in our marriage my wife used to participate in ways that helped me to stave off the concerns. it ultimately proved to be something that wasn't good for her emotionally but she did try.
and she has been understanding about the how much this has hurt me in the last few years. even knowing how much i hate so many parts of being male she is still here.
i just don't know how to get this under control and move on with life. i'm not happy with myself but i don't know that i would be better off as a woman. i just feel lost and confused.
the question that keeps going through my mind to ask is "how long does this torture last before i can answer this **** question" but, i know that there is no pure and simple answer. more that anything i hope that someone has some advice to offer on how to figure this out. i feel that i could eventually come to peace with this if i just knew what to come to peace with.
thank you to anyone that reads this. i'm very sorry for the long story. i just felt like i needed to let it out somewhere.