This topic is two-fold:

First Topic: Sex

I've noticed that when my fiance and I have sex, I have this feeling like I want to be tortured and when I think about it seems that if we do that, it would get my frustrations of what happened to me out(the vivid images are there and sometimes want to cry, like it gets that bad). I asked to try but he said no because he doesn't want me to think of him being an abuser. (His thoughtfulness is incredible :)). I guess I just wanted to find out if my want is a "normal" response to what happened? Im confused by it as it's a new feeling.

Second Topic: Literal Torture of Abusers

I just want to be real here. Is fantasizing over and over of torturing my abusers for what they did to me a common thing you guys deal with, or do I have to call a psychiatrist? I think it would be normal, I would never actually do it. But I do find satisfaction with fantasizing me punishing/torturing them. Like how it happened to me. (Not the sexual stuff; the physical stuff)

I feel ashamed for even feeling like I could think that of another person. But I was hurt deeply. And it makes me happy seeing them suffer. Does that make me a "bad" person. Yes, I used words like "normal" and "bad" but I didn't have any better adjectives.