The reason I don't write such words is very symple. remember, I'm using a screen reading program that speaks every word as I type it out loud, which makes it much more like verbally saying such things myself, than just having them written down.
I'm not sure, sinse all the counselers I tried never actually helped with this even when we addressed it directly. I've got very good at ignoring the words, ignoring the concept, skipping over it, even in some cases making it impersonal to me just like with my abuse.
if I'm put in a situation where it comes up, say in a book or a film, I just distance myself, and feel a sense of detached disgust, the sort of thing you'd feel when you found a slug on your foot.
I've tried to desensatize myself, I once tried to read the wikipedia artical on the subject, but I had to give up shortly after starting because the discomfort got too much, but nothing seems to work, sinse any material I examine, from light s/xual humour in a romantic comedy, to a picture of a naked woman I just feel that detached sense, i'm making it unreal to myself, much as I did during my abuse, this is exactly how I'm able to read a lot of the explicit material on this site, ---- plus of course, something I read that is explicite here I'm reading because I hopefully want to help another person, which devorces the hole business from myself.
It also doesn't help that I'm quite familiar myself with behaviourist thinking from studdying psychology. I'm not sure about going into therapy at the moment sinse I really don't want to get myself into an emotionally bad state, I'd rather have something that would go at my own pace, plus, now that I'm off the uni counselling service, it'd mean asking my parents to pay for a therapist, and I'd very much rather not do that.
Thanks for the book kcinohio, however unless it's available in some sort of E text or audio form I'm not going to be able to read it. I could pay someone, but I'd rather not pay someone to read a book on such a subject.
This is why i've never even been able to read Mike Loo's book despite attending one of his weekends of recovery.
As I said, I think this is something I could! get over with the right person, but that just doesn't happen either, which is again probably partly due to my problems with tactile defensiveness and genophobia in the first place. On one occasion, my mum even recommended finding an escort to sort of remove the phobia in one go, ---- but I vito'd that idea as I can't imagine anything more horrific than spending the night with someone with no emotional connection whatsoever.
Are there any online articals I could use for this? or any exercizes I could follow and practice with?
It was suggested at one point that I ask a female friend to help with this, just helping me get used to physical affection and none s/xual touchk, but there isn't anyone I know currently who lives close who I'd trust, indeed the only person I feel I could! ask about that lives an extremely long way away.
Edited by dark empathy (06/24/12 08:39 AM)