I originally posted a pm with this to the "ask the s/x doc" forum, but I gather from the post dates that he's not written on the site for a few months.
sinse it's about time I dealt with this rubbish, and sisne there are probably fellows here who can give good advice on the subject, I'll ask the question here.
I have been doing recovery for five years, but I still cannot get past my problems with s/x.
When i was ten, my parents honestly and in detail explained what s/x was, what mb was, and that it was all part of growing up, just like shaving or my voice changing. This was fine, and I didn't particularly worry about it.
however, when i got to secondary school, everyone started making what to me were stupid, pointless jokes about the subject, and behaving like idiots, nobody seemed to think it was just biological, people seemed obsessed, leaving me isolated and very alone (it not helping that the school was an absolute pit where knives were pulled on teachers).
Isolation degenerated into bullying when I was 12, and then into s/xual humiliation, and what I now recognize was complete, and very public sa when I was 13-15. I thus learnt that if I ever! had a physical reaction, ---- ie an erection in public, bad things were going to happen, so I mb'd as much as I could in order to reduce the chances of that happening.
I left that school just before my 16th birtday. Up until I was 19, I had no real desire at all. i just saw s/x as a purely, biological act, perhaps vaguely physically pleasurable to some, but essentially nothing that important or special, and i honestly believed all couples who were together were essentially just good friends who happened to do something physical once in a while.
Sinse then however, i have realized there is an experience betwene people who are together that I have utterly missed, a form of physical and emotional communication, and I've felt a great desire for this, however literally nothing happened.
I realized I fell in love, ---- ie, felt an emotional connection to, various female friends at various ttimes, but I had no idea how to pick up or give off those mysterious signals that get relationships started, so even though I've "been out" with many girls, in the sense of had coffee, dinner, been to concerts etc, nothing ever seemed to follow, whether I wanted it to or not, and it was indeed a failed attempt to admit how i felt to a girl that made me realize I had to deal with my abuse.
I am extremely defensive of any kind of touch from another human, I don't like even having a hug, yet I know part of the communication I desire with another person is physical, yet if anyone touches me, I utterly freeze, and if I ever have a physical reaction of any sort, I feel a discomfort boardering on panic.
I hate s/xual humor, I even dislike the sound of the word (why i always write it with a slash), i skip over descriptions or scenes in films that portray it, and if anyone discusses it near me I feel at the least distaste, at the most utter horror.
yet, I still mb, because if I stop, I get the most horrific, uncontrollable nightmares. While mbing, I have two sets of thoughts that I use, one which is just using abstract images or feelings of women (though none I actually know), and is purely and simply about physically getting the business taken care of, and one, which is more painful and is about the sort of experience I'd like to have with another person, though even when I imagine that sort of experience I just imagine hugging, hand holding or kissing (it really bothers me that I've never kissed anyone), and not anything more.
If I am ever seen in any state of undress, even by my brother or my parents, I panic, ---- indeed I wear a shirt and long shorts if I want to go swimming.
I have attempted to rid myself of the desire for a relationship with another person, sinse I've concluded that desire brings far too much pain with it, however my reactions to s/x being undressed etc are things i'm jsut not comfortable with on their own grounds.
Have you any suggestions? I tried talking to a counseler about this, but they had no suggestions either, and talking about it didn't help, ---- sinse after all I know! why I have these reactions, i just have no idea how to deal with them.
I am fairly certain that if a woman was ever interested in being closer to me, we could take things slowly enough for me to get around my fear reactions, but sinse that is an impossibility (probably partially to do with the reactions themselves), I'm just stuck with a lot of stuff I can't deal with.
Talking on this site has helped, indeed I'm fairly certain I couldn't have written this a few years ago, but then again now I'm alone, and nobody is actually present at all.
The really ironic thing is that other than with people, i'm an extremely tactile person, indeed that's probably part of the reason I'm so comfortable with animals, (My dog is curled up on my feet while I write this).
Any advice? I have no idea how to deal with this at all, and even discounting the relationship thing, it just causes problems. i'm 29 at the moment, and the idea of never having s/x with another person isn't too bad, but I just wish i could rid myself of all the reactions that goes with, indeed if it weren't for biological risk and the fact that my tenor singing voice is extremely important to me, I'd considder medical castration, sinse I just don't want! this part of myself at all.
All the best,