Over the years this is something I have struggled with immensely, i.e. knowing my sexual orientation and feeling comfortable with my sexuality.
I don't know if it makes a huge difference in the scheme of things, but I was sexually abused by a female when I was a boy, and over the years (more recent years - when I began to try relationships and sex etc) I have had strong fears that I am really gay.
Without going fully into my story, I am a man nearing 30 years, who has pretty much remained celibate the whole time. I have had a number of attempts at being sexual with women and I have never been able to get a good enough erection to have sex.
It was when I tried to initiate sexuality into my life in my late teens and had a failed relationship with a girl that I felt I was gay and that's why it didn't work out and I couldn't have sex etc.
This feeling that I was gay was also accompanied by a lot of intrusive and uncomfortable thoughts, e.g. I couldn't watch sports on tv without imagining kissing every man I could see, plus a *huge* amount of paralysing anxiety, panic attacks and depression.
I have done a bunch of therapy, I now take anti-dep. meds that help a lot, but I still deal with a lot of confusion, obsessive thinking and panic.
I have anxiety spikes and I get awkward and uncomfortable if someone mentions the word 'gay' or worse goes into a story about someone 'coming out' about being gay. That can really send me into a spiral of anxiety. Whenever I see the word 'gay' in the news I have to read the article.
I have anticipatory anxiety in this regard too, expecting people are about to turn the conversation to anything 'gay' related.
Some days I feel that I like women and would like to pursue them romantically/sexually, then I start to join say a dating site, but I can never go through with actually joining and putting myself out there. I avoid contact with the opposite sex in life, I find it all terribly confusing and scary.
Then some days I get into a bit of a 'headspin' thinking that I am really gay and that explains everything in my life, my avoidance of women, my fears of intimacy, my inability to engage sexually with women, my performance problems etc.
But the thought never sits well with me. I try and visualise being with a man romanticly and it makes me cringe a bit, I just don't feel that's who I want to be or where I could ever be comfortable in life.
When I have 'accepted' those thoughts and then tried to masturbating to a homosexual fantasy it doesn't work for me.
I have tried gay porn and I am turned off immediately for the most part.
I would say around 99% porn I have ever used is heterosexual and occasionaly lesbian.
I have entertained 'some' kinky bi/homo fantasies but beyond that the idea is quite unsettling for me. I'm over this shit I need to move on with my life.
This is making me fucking angry to think about how my sexuality has been soooo fucked up. Fuck you abuse, you have fucked up my life so much