Hi Steve,

It is common to feel afraid, triggered and very unsettled after saying anything about the abuse you have kept secret for so very long.

If resources permit, I suggest you find a therapist, preferably one who specializes in trauma and/ or sexual abuse.

The Consumer's Guide to Therapist Shopping gives you a list of questions to ask prospective therapists. Having such a list helps take some of the anxiety out of making contact with a therapist.

If you are in the United States, Psychology Today has listings for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents. Some offer support groups in addition to individual therapy. Healing from these horrors is not an endeavor to be done without the help of a professional.

Since you are so triggered I suggest you do not read any of the books until you have a therapist. I also suggest that if you read the forums, you do so very slowly, and only a little at a time.

Everything here is done at your pace, and at your comfort level. It is expected that there will discomfort, but if you are having flashbacks, body memories and you find yourself very distressed over what you read here, that is your mind's signal telling you that you are doing too much, too quickly.

If you find the forums too triggering, and many do, you may find the lounge (chat) a better alternative. In the lounge you can get real-time support, or just hang out. Again, everything here is done at your comfort level and at your own pace. Many go into the lounge and do not speak. They just find it comforting to know others are around.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in September.

Again, there is no obligation to participate. Many guys choose to observe the Healing Circles.

Dealing with the abuse is scarey at times. Try to remember that you survived the worst. However uncomfortable the feelings are, they cannot harm you. This is not to say you will not feel very bad at times, and I am not minimizing how bad you may feel as you embark on this endeavor. But you will get through this.

Be gentle and kind to yourself.

Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.