It has been more than a year since I posted here and I decided to return because I had been thinking about MS and just yesterday met a man interested in intimacy and it made me stop and think about my situation since my first WOR last March and all that has happened afterwards. I have been numbed and avoiding so much for many reasons most of all for feeling defeated and lost.
After what was an excellent experience at WOR I came home to a very angry therapist who I have not seen since Jan-Feb 2011. At the same time I was working full time and much more in my own job as a therapist at a non profit Catholic affiliated agency that placed so many demands on me for productivity over quality I found myself overwhelmed with work. I was eventually terminated with two other therapists facing similar demands. We all spoke up about what was happening and paid a price. I was the first to go last June. I am not the type to go along to get along which has a lot to do with doing the right thing.
My sadness was mixed with anger and a sense of relief. But I could not get anywhere with my own therapist who was largely unsympathetic or supportive and he refused to see me. I fought hard against any negative or toxic feelings and put all my training and years of therapy into play which surely did help me get through but I was in a very sad place. Writing about it opens those wounds but I have a steely resolve to get through in spite of present emotions.
I have acted with due diligence in my employment search with no results and only two interviews with one agency that yielded nothing. I have and had guilt for not reaching out to my brothers here and especially those from last March at the WOR. I did make some attempts without success. I also have limited internet and a different email address than what I gave at WOR.
It is no surprise that I came here today because I have not had any sexual or other intimacy in such a long time that I realize it still has an intimidating and at times scary affect. I am also wondering and searching for self understanding as to my point, my needs and what this even means? I can see the temptation of a critical inner voice but recognize the self sabotaging cruelty of internal criticism. But admit I am struggling in a number of ways.
I am on day two of not smoking with Chantix and am assessing my current situation, and recent coping. I began using alcohol and marijuana last fall in a limited recreational way with a new circle of people. Thankfully I pay attention to not abusing it and setting limits. However I am questioning whether it is a band aid for my own stuff. I had not used alcohol or pot for more than 13 years and might return to abstinence again. I am not going to use anything while on Chantix and have not 10 days into taking it.
If this post seems a bit wandering it has more to do with feeling overwhelmed in addition to ADHD; but I do feel a need to reconnect with MS for a number of reasons and it has everything to do with tapping into support because I see some potential for unknown unidentified risk if an opportunity for sexual intimacy presents itself. I am a strong survivor but I feel alone and have a need to reach out here...
I welcome any responses that might help me see what is obvious to others and blurred by me. I'll say thank you in advance for any feedback.
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.