I was sexually abused for about two years starting at eight. From eight to eighteen, I couldn't even say the word sex without stuttering. As a child, my too-lenient parents allowed us to watch R rated movies. I covered my eyes during the sex scenes. I cried when I had to undress in front of doctors. At thirty, that bashfulness/squeamishness is still with me. Yet, it calms me to write my issues here, and I need to. I warn you in advance, I may erase this post, but hopefully not before I receive good advice.
It's not suprising I've always had trouble getting an erection. The first time I looked at gay porn my whole body trembled and I felt nauseous. Porn still makes me tremble. I tremble in bed with my boyfriend. Years ago, mostly to spare myself the humiliation, I started taking Viagra. It worked, not that I used it much.
Yet, now I am in love. We've been together for five months. He is kind, intelligent, wonderful. I've told him about the abuse. I know he doesn't understand exactly how it's devastated me, how no part of me has not been formed by it. But he is sweet, tells me not to be afraid of him. Still, I lie to him about these pills. I don't want to seem pathetic to him, and I do feel pathetic because of this: impotent, at thirty. Thinking love would make a difference, I tried without a pill. It didn't work. It was humiliating. In my mind's eye, I saw myself as a scarred, broken man, as if the persona he knew slipped off like a mask. Even if he is not angry, I know he won't look at me the same way.
And there is also that, we don't have penetration. He asked to, without a condom. I said no. I told him I never liked it because of the abuse, but would try with a condom. He said I could be a top if it made me more comfortable. He's from another country. He said he's never used a condom before. He's only been with three men, in long term relationships. He said he would use one for me, or get tested, but us both being sheepish and kind of asexual, we've let the issue drop. I worry he's not satisfied with me sexually. I am in love, but first and foremost, I'm a survivor. I won't risk my life to please anyone. Yet, at present, he is the most important thing in my life, and I want to keep him as long as I can.
I don't know if these are really big issues. I realize I'm lucky. For ten years, I had almost no social skills. I suffered gory, grotesque nightmares every night. But I have this nagging dread that I'll lose everything, like I did when I was eight. I've never been happier than I am now, and the better things get, the more I worry. Can these problems be worked out? I know it's time I stop avoiding it.