Hi All

Just been reading the thread and connect with a lot of what has been discussed.

My brother was abused by my Uncle and then my brother started playings sex games with me. Ive never really thought of what my brother did as abuse as there is only 1.5 years between us but he did coerce me and I felt it was wrong at the time. I have no memory of my Uncle doing anything to me but I dont have much of a memory before the age of 8. My father left home when I was 8.

Ive always been attracted to older men. I came out as gay after years of confusion, shame, ect. but never been that confortable with being open about wanting to have sex with a father figure. Ive had relationships with older men that I have kept hidden from my "public" life.

Im 40 now and grey hairs are starting to show so being a "son" seems to be pushing it a bit. For me there is a big element of wanting to feel secure and safe, in daddys arms protected from the world. There is also physical and sexual pleasure but the emotional and psychological element is what attracts me.

One of the posts mentioned a "boy in a mans body", this struck a cord with me. I felt outside of the masculine as a young man. Issues of abandonment, insecurity, not being worthy enough acted as a block to my development. I had periods of drug abuse and homlessness. Being physicaly close to an archatypal father - big, strong, confident, secure - feeds my need to connect and absorb these elements into my inner emotional world.

Sometimes I get periods where I crave effection from a father figure. I visit gay saunas and have multipal sexual encounters, always with older grey haired stocky men. Ive realised the sex isnt what Im looking for but emotional connection with the masculine father.

Ive tried to make peace with my father after years of distance. Sometimes I think he may have abused me but have no memory of it. We still have a fairly distant relationship but get on ok now and he accepts my sexuality.

Not sure what my point is other than sharing my story. but glad there is a space to do so.