Hi all. I am really hoping someone can help me out with some feedback on my situation as I really do not know what to make of it. I am beginning to feel that I may have been abused as a child. I am a 49 year old gay man who has never really had any sexual experience to speak of- only one brief and limited episode with an escort a few years back (after working up the courage) which was OK. I have always been very shy, embarrassed about my body (either too skinny or too fat), have always been uncomfortable around straight men and have never sought or made friends with any gay men. I have always told myself it was shame over appearance (which I've been told is just fine), fear of HIV, and presumably internalized homophobia. The only gay men I knew were my past shrinks (for depression/anxiety/panic) and some guys from group therapy.

Anyway, in addition to my lack of experience, I have never really liked to be touched even casually by others. I get very uncomfortable. Its much better now. And so I brought this issue (possible abuse) up with 2 past shrinks while being seen for depression and neither thought I was abused given I had no recollection. Still no one had a good explanation for my lack of sex, despite a normal libido. And so I always wondered.

Well, a couple years ago, I learned from my mom that my younger sister who had a bad problem with drugs accused my father of abusing her. (My parents were divorced then and my sister had told a friend who told my mom.) I told this to a good friend one evening after we had some drinks and some pot and he acted all weird and implied he too had been abused but gave no details. He later denied it when I asked him. My mom and I then asked my dad who very calmly denied it. Later when I saw my sister, after she got clean with my and the family's help, she too denied it. She has subsequently come down with a rare immune disease and is largely dependent on my parents who have informally gotten back together. So I dont know if her financial dependency has anything to do with her recanting the accusation.

Sorry for the length, guys. Anyway, I give all this info because I do not know if all this talk of abuse from sister and my friend has settled into my mind and now made me feel that I was abused or if in fact it might explain my lack of sex and some recent dreams and weird feelings.

After I said I had believed my father and that my sister probably was just angry at him and tried to hurt him, he uncharacteristically said he'd give my some money for my business. Then later, when I helped my sister get clean and asked about the abuse, he then rescinded the offer of help. He had not given me a good reason nor can I understand it. It is unlike him to break his word. (He now ways he does not remember offering me the funds.) Well, as a result, I had to close my business, forclose on my condo, and go bankrupt given the timing 2008-9. All this stress caused an extreme depression (bipolar) and I have since been dependant on my family for support as I have not been able to work. Needless to say, I am not happy with my father. I have never felt that close to him, as I would imagine is the case for many gay sons. Strangely, after my parents divorce, both me and my mom independantly came to believe he was probably a severely closeted gay man. So perhaps I internalized his homophobia and thats why I am uncomfortable around men and so very shy.

Now for the confusing crazy part. During this time, I have had strange dreams implying that my sister had let a big secret out and that I was still keeping it. More disturbingly, (POSSIBLE TRIGGER?) while looking at porn after a smoking pot (which I rarely do) I saw a scene of a single nude man from the waist down in a white tile bathroom (similar to my parents and grandparents) standing over a sink with running water. It was so weird, the man's body looked EXACTLY like my father's when I was a child. How I would know what he looked like nude, I have no idea. Presumably we got dressed and bathed together at some point. Then the noise from the running water seemed very real and I got very nauseous, anxious, and light headed and had to stop. I have had susequent similar reactions to some porn scenes since. I also have gotten more sexually aroused from them too. I also had the image of my grandfather's ranch hand pop into my head to as well as an older boy up the street from where lived as a kid. I also have had terrible bouts of anxiety and rage just rise up both prior to this and afterwards and my depression has gotten much worse.

So I guess what I'd like to know is, does this sound sexually suspect? Are my problems with body issues, homosexuality, sex, physicality, trust, etc. and now strange dreams and odd visceral reactions to nude images mean that these memories are trying to resurface, or am I just a hysterical, depressed, neurotic who is angry with my father for betraying me financially and making me dependent again like a child? Or was it the pot? Or could it be abuse from the neighbor or ranch hand and I am confabulating them.

I am so confused and distressed. If I was abused, I think I would be OK with it because it would finally explain so much. I think I could move on with my life. And if it turned out to be my father, well, I think I could deal with that too. So I dont understand why then if I was abused, I cant remember it. I would like to try. I know shrinks warn of the dangers of false memories, but unless the abuse was physically painful or threatening, I dont see why or how I could mentally repress it. My old shrink told me that almost all abuse survivors remember their abuse. I see here on this forum, that this is not always the case. I dont want to bring it up with my sister as she is dealing with a lot now, and is dependent on my parents.

Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated. Again, sorry for the length of the drama.