Basically, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm 18 years old and I was molested by my brother. I've been seeing my Doctor because I've been feeling really depressed but she just thinks it's because of stuff that's going on between my parents.
I haven't told her that I was abused, nor have I told her that I self-harm and that I've tried to kill myself. She'd tell my family and I really don't want that because I feel disgusting whenever I let my family know personal things.
My brother abused me when I was 4/5 and I remember every moment of it - even what he said to me. But the thing is, I don't even think he remembers or at least he pretends not to. This makes me really angry because I remember it every day and it's just f*cked me up so much. I really hate him, and I've told him this and he seems to think that I'll get over this hate. I've read accounts of how people have 'forgiven' their abusers, but I really can't do this. I hate my brother, I hate that he is living a good life while I'm here on the edge of killing myself.
And at school, (I took Psychology last year) people say that those who have been abused are likely to become abusers. What if that happens to me. I don't want that. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I knew I was going to put someone through the same things I've been through.
I just really don't know what to do any more. I'm full of so much anger and hate, I have no one to turn to. Seriously, the best option I see for myself is to end it all.
And on top of this all, I'm gay. And in my culture it's not acceptable or really heard of - well in actual fact it's not spoken of.
I feel so tormented inside, like nothing makes sense to me anymore. I don't even want to go to school, I can't be bothered to get out of bed, I cry a lot. I don't even talk to anyone. I feel like I'm slowly dying.
I just wish I could talk to someone who could help me.