I understand, and I'm doing my best to learn to adapt. I think if anything positive did come from this abuse, terrible as it was, it is in fact a deeper compassion for others and an innate understanding of their pain and trauma, whatever the cause. I have always done everything in my power to help those around me, to the exclusion of my own wants and needs. I think perhaps what I took away from your letter to yourself is the realization that I need to learn to have that same compassion and understanding for myself.
I was a victim, not a willing participant in my abuse although i did love and care very deeply for my abuser. I was a child who was manipulated by someone for their own sick gratification. I must admit even now to feeling a strange compassion for my abuser. What terrible trauma or perversion of the mind could lead to such terrible acts.
I hate him, but in a way he still has his claws into me. I can't seem to fully break free of the illusion that he's a human being with a soul and the ability to care and know love. his actions, however, seem to suggest that I'm wrong.