Among many other issues, whenever im in a social setting and homosexuality becomes the topic (whatever it may be, even the phrase gay) I get extremely anxious inside and uncomfortable. I also feel that I start acting "weird".
I'm 27 and my head is so confused on thoughts of "am i gay". But at the same time I get crushes on women that I meet and also long for a relationship with one. However, it is hard for me to get close with women, act out physically, and be emotional. I was sexually abused by my babysitters oldest child who was 2 years older than me when I was young (5-9).
I asked myself the question today, "why would you even question yourself about that" and "why are you even researching this topic if you are attracted to women, and you turn your head to check one out, and you watch straight porn". I get angry with myself for being so confused over what I want and not being able to connect with anyone.
Lastly, earlier today in social psychology we had to get into discussion groups and talk about comments people make about others. I was in a group with a girl who i know likes me and i find her cute as well. we were to discuss how would you respond to someone who said to you "look at that guy, he is such a flamer". immediately I go extremely anxious inside and had a total lack of confidence in my voice. I felt an awkwardness between us like she was trying to figure me out after that, we couldnt make eye contact with each other. This is all so hard for me to deal with.