Ok, here goes. I have been approached for sexual activity since I was a kid. from same age friends, ill show you mine you show me yours. Which I think was innocent- age 5-6. to grade school where an older cousin introduced me to masterbation and oral sex I was 8 he was 15-16. This relationship is my issue rite now. Raped at knifepoint at 21 and was married- never told. Married at 20 but acted out with guys from 10 until about 3 weeks ago at 58. Oh, and molested by my mother from 5-13. so women never seemed safe. men, safeR, and the only male attention i ever received. At 59 still confused. Love my wife, 3 amazing kids. bye now sure who i am. is it a real male attraction, compulsion for the 15 minutes of control/contact. Don't want to leave my wife to live a gay life. but occasionally need to have the familiarity of being with a guy. Having REAL trouble around the cousin relationship We still speak but there has been no physical stuff in 30+ years. Don't know who or what the fuck i am and can't find a shrink in my area until May. no new patients. WTF?
I thought for a moment that I was reading something, I wrote. Fascinating how that happens. I can really relate to what your saying. I too was abused by my mother. I was abused by my male cousin. Hmmmm...at nearly the same ages as you were.
One of the big differences is: I left my wife 20 years ago to live out my same sex attractions (SSA). I will get into trouble for saying this but, it is my story. I thought the SSA meant I was gay.
I am learning to express my feelings AND I am speaking up about my need for male contact (non-sexual). I have been in intensive therapy for the abuse issues.
Anyway, just saying that I can relate.