Life's A Dream -
Just read your last post again and realized there was another point to respond to...
Yeah, women are way more free to express emotions. That is a trait ingrained in both males and females from birth. Girls are emotional. Guys are rational. Don't show your feelings - above all - BOYS DON"T CRY!!!
For me, I was made to feel by my step-father (also Perpetrator) that my emotions were invalid and worthless and I knew that they were also dangerous because they exposed my weaknesses and made me more vulnerable. If I didn't express hurt then maybe I wouldn't be hurt as much and couldn't feel the hurt. I just switched it off. Now that I think of it, it was almost a conscious decision. It's harder to reverse it.
Then when I was bullied and abused at school, scouts and the Y, I had the same lesson re-inforced - don't let em know how much they are getting to you. It will only be worse. No wonder we keep our feelings secret from everyone else - to the point where they become a mystery to us as well.
As for anger - I just can't seem to get it to "work." Maybe if I could just really lose control once it would be a health thing, but I can't imagine it ever happening. I can put it all into words - but that is as far as it goes. I am really into self-control in that area. I feel pressure building up and lots of anxiety but no real anger at all. My T once told me I told my story with the same level of feeling as if i was reading the phone book. Since then I've managed to find and express some grief but no anger...
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....