Yeah – I’ve got it bad. Not much mystery why.
From 5-13, my stepfather shoved his in my face. At first it seemed huge and I felt tiny and insignificant. By age 12 I realized mine was bigger than his.
At 11, my classmates discovered I was sexually fully developed though my body was still as small and immature as theirs and I became the plaything of every guy in middle school, scouts and the Y who wanted to have a go at me. I was a novelty and a freak. They and I were equally amazed at the fact that I was so much bigger and more advanced than them. Difference was, they enjoyed it & I was ashamed and humiliated by it.
At 13, the school bully forced me to compare with him and proved to me that I was of average adult size while he was super-sized. Again I felt small and inadequate next to his super-human exhibition.
Quite a roller-coaster: little-big-little-big-little/average?
NO – I do not desire any physical contact or sexual activity or involvement with any other male. That is something that makes me feel sick to think about and is absolutely terrifying to me. But still I find myself uncontrollably checking out other guys to see where on the scale from small to average to big they and I fall. And much of my focus in online model photos is centered on the extreme ends of the scale and trying to find photographic matches for my memories and impressions of myself and the most indelible images in my mind.
Couldn't get free of the impulse for a long time - and it wreaked havoc with my self-image and relationships. Lots of conflict, confusion and mixed signals - left me paralyzed on the sidelines and isolated, hoping no one would discover my abnormality. better now
Edited by traveler (08/22/13 09:41 AM)
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"