This conversation really hits home with me on a few levels. I was never put into an incestuous relationship with anyone in my family. But my dad had an opportunity to protect me from a known serial molester who lived next door to us. When it was decided that he would not be turned over to law enforcement, I was fully allowed to be his little buddy again. It seems they never knew I was a victim, even though I admitted to my mom I was (she has since claimed she remembers no such conversation, but I absolutely know we discussed it when I was 13). In essence, I felt like I was thrown to the wolf to keep him away from the little neighborhood girls.

Ever since I have tended to seek out older men and my sexual patterns remain very much as I learned them at the whims of my molester. I think part of that is a fusion of replaying my own abuse along with a sexualized interpretation of being in bigger, stronger, and older arms - a protection that I (non-sexually) should have had. But who knows how the sexual subconscious mind works? ...

The circuitous route that our mind makes is as hopelessly tangled as a knotted ball of fishing line - I could spend my whole life trying to unravel it, and I would remain baffled to my grave.

Winston actually mentioned a rekindled relationship with the man who sexually abused him when he was 11. That's all part of a pattern I am convinced we are almost doomed - sentenced - to repeat over and over again. I read about those who would gladly hurt, maim or even kill their molester and I wonder why I am not that far in my OWN recovery. I may not be sleeping with the man who abused me when I was 12, but I still sometimes crave to return to the abuse, perhaps to master it, perhaps in part driven by arousing memories that contradict the crime - that belie my own credibility with myself. So I am not surprised to hear Winston's account. When a child's sexual maturity is messed with, the wiring is almost hopelessly screwed up.

We are wired in part according to the circuits our molesters charged. That we may still find arousal in those old patterns - perhaps even with the original instigators - may seem incompatible with the crime. Yet that itself serves to reveal just how deep that crime has affected us - almost like an eternal sexual Stockholm syndrome.